Kevin Pillar wasn’t sure he wanted to be interviewed, wasn’t sure he wanted to revisit the events of last May 17, when he yelled an anti-gay slur at Atlanta Braves reliever Jason Motte, prompting the Toronto Blue Jays to suspend him for two games.
The script for athletes who commit such indiscretions is almost always the same — apologize, resume playing, move on. Pillar, the Blue Jays’ center fielder, partly followed that script. But he also promised a better version of himself, and quietly made it happen.
Advertisement
Pillar, 29, agreed to talk with The Athletic knowing he holds a special platform — and believing that he should be used as an example of insensitive behavior if it helps people learn from his mistake.
The first person Pillar called after his suspension, with the encouragement of Blue Jays general manager Ross Atkins, was baseball’s vice president and special assistant to commissioner Rob Manfred, Billy Bean. Pillar already had issued an apology on Twitter. He asked Bean — who came out as gay four years after his major league career ended in 1995 — “What’s next? What can I do to make up for this?”
“When Kevin called, the first thing I told him was that this could have happened to 749 other players. They all learned a lesson, sadly or unfortunately, at his expense,” Bean said. “The expectations of our fans have changed. The responsibility that goes with this amazing platform of playing in the big leagues continues to grow.
“I told him I could see it was not pre-meditated. It’s not like he walked out and wrote on his eye black or posted something,” Bean continued, referring to an incident in 2012 when a previous member of the Jays, infielder Yunel Escobar, received a three-game suspension after he played a game with an anti-gay slur written in Spanish on his eye-black stickers.
“This was the painful process of how we are working so hard to change a culture,” added Bean. “I said, ‘When I was playing, I played for a manager who would say that word every other sentence.’ And I said this was a great opportunity to be a leader in this space. You’re young. You have a huge career in front of you. You’re part of an amazing, progressive organization. You play for the only big-league team in a country.”
Pillar heeded Bean’s words. He did not stop with donating the money he forfeited from his suspension — about $6,066 of his $550,000 salary — to two LGBT advocacy groups, You Can Play and PFLAG. Nor did he stop with the symbolic act of catching a first pitch at Rogers Centre last June from Michelle Cherny, the treasurer of another advocacy group, Pride Toronto.
Advertisement
Last July 24, as the Jays prepared to host the Oakland Athletics one day after concluding a 10-day road trip, Pillar met at Rogers Centre with about 20 young adults from Toronto’s LGBT community. Bean attended the session at Pillar’s request and began the proceedings by relating his own story. The young adults, who later would attend the game as guests of the Jays, took over from there.
Here, in the words of Pillar and Bean, are their memories of that day — and Pillar’s reflections on how the incident with Motte changed him.
Pillar: “I really thought initially I was just going to sit there and listen and be educated on it. It turned into a full-blown discussion. I gave them the floor to ask me questions. A lot of them wanted to know why I did it. It was honest, and it was real and I felt like I was able to be human. I felt like I was in a safe place. I wasn’t being judged by these young adults and their parents. But I was getting a better understanding of what they go through a daily basis.
“It’s a sad reality — it’s still a difficult journey ahead of them, what they have to go through. They just want to be as normal as possible and live their life. When a high-profile person, an athlete like myself, comes out and makes a mistake like that, it affects a lot of people. I was able to make peace with it. That was a big part of my recovery. I think the crash-course education I got from sitting down with Billy Bean, listening to his story, and listening to these young adults talk, it has made me a better person.”
Bean: “Kevin asked me if I would come and join him. I was really happy to do that. I didn’t want him to be a target for people frustrated with a history of conversations like this. This was just a moment that happened. We were working hard to get past it.
“It was a tremendous learning experience for Kevin. And honestly, it was a learning experience for even someone like me. It was a young group of kids. It wasn’t a punitive situation. We had punch and cookies. We’re sitting inside the stadium. They wanted to tell Kevin about themselves more than anything. And he, like a true champ, listened to each and every one. He told them about his family, about his wife — she was pregnant at the time (Pillar’s wife, Amanda, gave birth to their first child, Kobie Rae, on Oct. 10). And he was just really, really sorry.
Advertisement
“It’s like anything. Once we’re around each other, all those walls start to dissolve. I just thought it would be really wonderful for Kevin to sit down with someone for a while and learn a little bit about what’s going on in the LGBT community and why it’s a difficult feeling for people who hear disparaging comments out there in the world. And the reality now, he as a parent and understanding how many youths are marginalized by their own families.
“As I watched it, it was such a profound moment where we are continuing to move forward. Him just representing baseball and a willingness to participate in the cure as opposed to the divide.”
Bean, as a former major leaguer, made sure not to interfere with Pillar’s pre-game preparation — he scheduled the meeting for early in the day. The group from the LGBT community returned for the game that night, and Bean joined them in a suite at Rogers Centre.
Bean: “I stayed away from the players. I really tried to not be a regular-season distraction in that regard. But I was meeting with the community. I hung out the whole night with that group of kids and the leaders who brought them. There was a lot of goodwill created that night. And by the end of the night, I have a bunch of pictures of people from the community who came who were wearing Kevin’s jersey. I thought that was so cool.”
In addition to meeting with the group in Toronto, Pillar took it upon himself to attend a sensitivity-training session with PFLAG when the Jays were on the road.
He batted .305 with an .854 OPS in the 41 games before his incident with Motte, and had two hits in his first game back from suspension. But then, suddenly, he began to slump. Pillar batted .148 with his .457 OPS in his next 26 games before recovering to bat .264 with a .708 OPS in his final 86.
Pillar: “It definitely weighed on me and my family, and anyone who was associated with me — relatives, friends back home, teammates, my organization, the city of Toronto. But it really impacted me. It took me a while to get over it.
“I knew that it was honestly just human error. It was a mistake. I wish I could go back in time but I think ultimately it’s going to make me a better human, a better citizen, a better father. It’s going to be a conversation I’m going to have to have with my daughter one day. She’s going to be able to get online and look up (what happened). And it’s not hard to find. It’s still out there.”
And yet, Pillar believes what happened was for the greater good.
Pillar: “I understand now how much this language can affect people, how difficult their lives might be. I think the blessing that came out of it was the education just my team and hopefully Major League Baseball got from it. I made my statement initially and owned up to it. I didn’t try to run from it. I even said I hope I’m made an example of. It could have happened to anyone. I think I just happened to get caught. That’s a lesson that can be learned.
“In this game, the camera is always on you. We’ve just got to be a little bit more aware of what we say. That doesn’t mean when we go behind closed doors it’s OK. But I think what my teammates saw me go through first-hand, how much it affected me not only in my personal life but also in my performance on the field, having to carry that 800-pound gorilla on my back, hopefully it’s made them a little more aware of the words they choose.”
Advertisement
Pillar said he was hesitant to speak again for the record because he is eager to move forward — “If we’re crucified for every mistake we make, we should all be robots,” he said. His contributions off the field preceded his misstep last season — he was the Jays’ nominee for the Roberto Clemente Award in 2016. Rather than allow one unfortunate moment to define him, he will seek new ways to define himself.
Pillar: “As much as I want it to be swept under the rug and move on from it, I know people — athletes, celebrities, random people on the street — are going to continue to make these mistakes. That’s something my parents preached to me from a young age. You’re going to make mistakes. It’s how you come back from them. It’s what you do after.
“That’s the beauty of playing this sport. Not only do I get paid to do something I enjoy, but I also have a platform to stand on. We have an opportunity to change (things). Hopefully, people understand how remorseful I am. It’s not something I want to run away from. But it’s hopefully something I can move on from. That’s what I continue to do.
“I continue to try to be a good citizen, do things right, play the game right, do the things I enjoy off the field in a city I enjoy being in, and impact as many lives as possible. That’s the best legacy we can leave behind. At the end of the day, the numbers, the wins, the losses are all important. But what we can do with our short time on this platform is equally important.
“I have some great resources around here, great human beings. I’ve been able to see what they’ve been able to do with their platform, (Curtis) Granderson being the leader of that. I’ve seen what he’s done with his career. When his name comes up, we don’t talk him being close to the top 100 in home runs hit (Granderson, with 321 homers, is tied for 116th on the all-time list). We don’t talk about all the accomplishments he had on the field. We talk about what a good human being he is, all the stuff he does off the field, how many lives he has impacted.
“That’s what I hope to do.”
(Photo by Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images)
ncG1vNJzZmismJqutbTLnquim16YvK57kmtsa29mZH9xfZdoZ21nYmh8s7vSnqWtoJGheq%2BxwKujsmWRYsamrdFmmJ%2Bslad6tLTOrquippdirq95wKeromWXlsZuv8uuqWajlau2r3nPoqOlmaJiv6ayy56aratdpLtutM6wZKKsXZ2utHnCoZinn5WZeqm1zGg%3D